The Adventures of Winter in New England
This rant isn’t about you folks from tropical climates that find yourself spread across five uncomfortable seats at Logan Airport. No, this is about you Townies. You know who you are. You were born here, never left and plan to die right where you were born – which was most likely in the basement of a Charlestown project or in a room pairing the smell of weed and patchouli in Somerville. Yeah, you.
Since you don’t seem to have common sense or courtesy, here are some tips to successfully help you navigate public transportation for nine months of the year (or as we call it – winter):
- When boarding the train, don’t stand right in front of the door. The longer it takes people to get off the train, the longer it takes the rest of us to get on our way. Note: This is the same principle that applies to waiting for your train at commuter rail stations. If you were psychic, you would have won the lottery and none of this would apply to you.
- When your train is delayed, complaining about it to other passengers is not going to accomplish anything. If we could move the train, don’t you think we would have? Note: If the sign at North Station says ‘delayed’, either suck it up or go shovel the track yourself.
- We get it! Stations are packed! But do you really need to squeeze together like a military formation so that no one can get by you? Some of us have other places to be. Note: I use the ‘double rule’. If I say “excuse me” twice and you do not move, you can expect me to rudely shove you out of the way.
- If you see an empty seat on a packed train, take it, even if you don’t want to. You can always offer it to someone else, but standing in front of it means less people can claw their way onto it.
- Walking in a major city is a lot like driving in many parts of the world. If you’re slow, stay to the right. This also applies to escalators.
- This one pains me to write, but ladies, if you think wearing heels in the ice and snow is a good idea, then you should try putting Crisco on your hardwood floor and releasing the kittens. This is how you look. Funny, but unattractive. Moving on.
- If you sit in a row with three seats but attempt to take up all of them, you should not be surprised when I ask you to move your things so I can sit. We all know you’re not holding seats for someone else. No one would sit near you since you have never heard of personal hygiene. I will, however, because I enjoy being a thorn in your side.
- For some reason, the concept of holding on is lost on people ages 6-64. You likely do not have an inner-ear infection. You have lost your balance because you are clearly a moron.
- OMG, there’s snow! There’s ice! Why hasn’t anyone shoveled yet? Oh, that’s because you’re caught in the time between there being too little accumulation to bother and just enough for you to publicly embarrass yourself. Speaking of which, waiting until there’s a foot of snow on the ground to run to Home Depot and invest in snow blowers and rock salt only tells the world you are unprepared for the zombie apocalypse.
- Umbrellas are useless in the snow. No, really. That is all.
One of the biggest things that causes me confusion are the insane lines at the grocery store whenever there is the threat of snow. It could be a predicted dusting or three feet but the ensuing result is still the same. People rush to the grocery store and fill their cart with none other than milk, eggs, bread and cheese. Are these the sorts of staples you feel your family needs if you’re going to holed up at home for a day or two?
Well, I offer you a mere sampling of the things on which we stocked up. At least being stuck here is a lot more fun!
Yes, you saw it here first. Red Bull, Lucky Charms, Raisin Bran, White Cheddar popcorn, Lays potato chips, smokes and batteries (solely for keeping the Xbox One controller alive and kicking) were the items we decided were important. I do not view this as irresponsibility because we were already stocked up on milk, eggs, bread and cheese – just like most intelligent people.
Now, if you will excuse me we also need some guns, ammo, astronaut food, canned goods and, of course, water. You never know when people will catch a virus that induces brain-eating. Or ya know, if they start sniffing enough bath salts.