America: The Land of the Free

Relatively recently, I had the pleasure (if you could call it that), of working in a call center.  Part of how I discovered it wasn’t for me was the phone call I made to the man who decided to lecture me about America.

“Hi, sir, I saw that you were interested in solar energy, so I’m calling to see if we can schedule an Advisor to come out to your home for an assessment.”

“Only if it’s free.”

“Well, the assessment is free.”

“No, I mean the panels. And besides, I don’t want my entire roof covered in them.”

“Well, your whole roof wouldn’t be covered in them.  And I’m sorry but they aren’t free.”

“They should be.”

“But nothing worth anything is free.”

“Well aren’t you philosophical.  Look, if they’re free, I’m interested.  If not, I’ll pass.”

“Okay, I’ll go ahead and take you off our list.

“Well, just wait a second there.  Why can’t the government just put panels on my roof?”

“For much the same reason that they can’t successfully implement universal healthcare, sir.  Do you really want the government putting solar panels on your roof?”   I realized, at this point, that it wasn’t me speaking.  I was channeling Ron Swanson.

“That’s a fair point, but look, if it is going to help the economy and the environment then they should pay for it.”

“You could write to your local representatives and see if that helps, but we don’t install panels, or anything, for that matter, for free.”

“Don’t you think it would be a good initiative?”

“I’m not really the right person to answer that, sir.”

“If the government gave us solar energy for free, imagine all of the good we could do with it.”

“Sir, this sounds like a Communist utopia.”

“I am NOT a Communist.”

“Well, typically when people begin espousing how great things would be for everyone if the government stepped in and took control of things, they’re usually either socialists or communists.   Since you aren’t giving me the sense that you feel you should actually work for those solar panels to be installed, I am clearly leaning towards your being a Communist.”

“I am not.  I just think we have a responsibility to improve our way of life.”

“And by ‘we’ you mean…”  I trailed off.

“The government.”

“I’m sorry, sir, I’m sure we’d like to accept your Communist ration stamps for payment but we simply don’t do that.”

“Okay, you know what?”  He paused.  “I am the furthest thing from a Communist you’ll ever find.  I am a US Veteran!”

“Were you discharged or did you just not renew your contract?”

“Discharged, honorably.”

“So then they simply hadn’t discovered your Communist leanings.”


“So would you like me to have an Advisor come out to your home to see if you qualify for non-government issued and non-free solar panels?”  I make some clicking noises but am not actually looking at the calendar.  “We can get someone out to your home in two days.  Would that work for you?”

“It would not work for me because I am not going to pay for them.”

“Okay sir, is there anything else I can help you with today?”

“What else do you have?”

“Insulation, windows, roofing and a total climate control solution for your home.  Unfortunately Stalin is not supporting these products so the costs would be fully borne by the homeowner.”


And that, my friends, is why I no longer hawk green energy products.


3 Comments on “America: The Land of the Free

  1. My favorite things are free. Like revenge and the prizes in cereal. I sure do love capitalism though. Better dead than red I always say. 🙂

    • Revenge and cereal box prizes aren’t free either, darling. Everything has a price. Even death.

  2. OMG. This has got to be one of the best phone calls I’ve seen yet. Remember wheN I worked in the call center for like 5 months? I wanted to jump out of the Pru at the end of every day.