The Numbing Emptiness

Fuck this
falseness
this ill-fated sense of security
this ever-growing need to numb myself.
It’s not a need.
It never was.
I’ve always confused what I need and what I
want.
Desire.
It is a powerful master indeed.

But what I really want
and what I really need
are indeed the same
thing.

I need to feel
something other than numbness.
I need to live
rather than just subsist.
I need to succeed
instead of just giving up.
I need to love
until I feel like I am going to burst.

And above all, I need it to be real.

So fuck this
falseness
this ill-fated sense of security
this ever-growing need to turn myself off.
to shut myself down
to sink all the way to the bottom
to only live at 23% instead of the full 100.

Just, fuck this.